Being surrounded by energy vampires, not having the right job and craving for the right friends taught me the most important lesson in life.
Hi, my name is Tanya Kocher, I am 27 years old and today I am here to tell you my story of how I battled depression and codependency.
I still remember that day I was sitting in my balcony while it rained heavily, just hoping for someone to come by and hold me. I wasn’t waiting for my soul mate, I was waiting for my emotional equals. That’s the day I realized I was officially committed to codependency.
To begin with, I didn’t even know what co dependency meant. I just always had this incomplete feeling when anyone close to me left, or a situation I was in changed or my environment and surroundings changed. I thought I wouldn’t be able to get through without it being the same. I didn’t realize how toxic my mentality was until it damaged me completely from inside. The codependency eventually transformed into depression and anxiety and took a toll on my mental health.
My anxiety escalated and it became difficult to even walk into a room without being feared of being judged. I had a feeling that every time I stood up, all eyes were on me judging me and demoralizing me. There was a strange twinge in my heart, it was a strange pain but it was so strong that it began eating into my confidence. No combination of words put together could help me explain what was happening to me, to anybody. Not my family, not my friends, not my colleagues.
All I craved for was a listening ear. But my friends back then did more than just listen. No, they didn’t give me advice instead they judged me for everything I was going through, for every time I ‘ranted’ to them, for every time I bawled my eyes out in front of them. Isn’t friendship about being there for each other? At all times, through the highs and the lows? But my friends just left. Left me in an emotional state of manner that I couldn’t cope with. The time I really needed them they weren’t there for me. it broke me.
I was soon paralyzed with fear. Fear of being alone. There were days, I would stare at my phone for hours craving for that ‘Hey. Whatsup?’ text. But that never happened, instead the white bright light of my phone transformed into my therapist. I was able to draw a pattern of how I always fell into the wrong group of friends, the wrong group of colleagues, the wrong work place. But for some reason, I stuck by it all. I guess I needed the validation.
But then, I pondered upon a term – ‘energy vampires’. Being amused by it, I did research and couldn’t relate more. The people I was surrounded by sucked into my positive energy, draining me and leaving me surrounded with negativity and insecurities. I felt helpless. But I picked up my self confidence, my self esteem, my dignity piece by piece and decided to bring about a much needed change.
I concentrated on myself, my mental well being and my physical well being. Left behind all the toxicity, including my friends, colleagues and job. Although, it took me 5 months to get comfortable with me, just me as me, I finally began weaving my life together.
if I look back today and have to give advice to my younger self, I would only say, be comfortable with yourself because whatever phase you are in is temporary and you are the only permeant thing in your life.