An abusive relationship doesn’t leave you in a place where you can learn from your mistakes. It will take away such a big part of your being that you would constantly miss home, while standing in your room, looking into the mirror and wondering who this person is. I was mentally and physically abused in a relationship. I was left with a terror-struck mind, a bleeding nose and pocket full of insecurities.
For a fat, nerdy girl, I had, by some miracle, convinced this muscular basketball player, out-of-my-league boy, to date me. He knew this and made use of it. The first sign of a toxic relationship is when your vulnerability is constantly used against you to control or bury your emotions. I knew in my gut, that something was not right, but I made myself believe that with all the tension at home, this was my only source of normalcy and pride. I hid myself and my body from him for over a year, because I did not want to have sex; but I’d lose the pretty boy, if not my virginity. A wave of calm took me over when he left for Pune to be in the Army. I wouldn’t have to hide, in order to not be touched, what a relief!
The realization of this toxic behavior and the violation of consent didn’t hit me, till my gut was kicked into my throat and I was knocked unconscious with a bleeding nose.
For the first time, I had decided to take a stand against his manipulative behavior. You see, he’d decided for me that being the ideal girlfriend was important, more important than understanding how to work a balance sheet for my board exams and, somehow the little bit of pride left in me had refused to follow his orders.I had placed my studies as a priority for once. For me, it was completely rational to demand time for myself. I had tried to follow what every article on the Internet about feminism had asked me to do, which was to not take permission for everything I wanted to do.
Momentarily, I was free to do what I pleased. Suddenly enough, the jibes, the taunts, the body-shaming stopped, only for me to find my voice knocked down on the floor. My body went into shock, but my mind was as alert as ever. I knew I had to get out of this room and this relationship without the scope of him following me. In the spur of it all, I dragged my stagnated body out and locked the room behind me where he cried, apologized and threatened, all at the same time.